Sunday, June 11, 2006

Homebrew Experts Boot Linux on Toothbrush, Install Server Cluster

Notorious console hacker, Francis Lau, has revealed today that he has successfully booted Linux on his toothbrush.

Lau brags, "Booting Linux on handheld consoles and iPods is kiddy stuff. I have a web server running on my dishwasher, a MySQL database running on my blender, and now finally I have conquered the toothbrush."

A cluster of toothbrushes running Linux are installed in Lau's bathroom. He is using their combined processing power to help crack the encryption for the BIOS on his Mr. Coffee.

When asked why he continues to pursue installing Linux on every mundane device in his home, Lau simply replied, "The chicks."

Picture attributed to draq.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Duke Nukem Retires, Collects Social Security

Duke Nukem, having grown tired of waiting on developer 3D-Realms to put him back in action, has decided to retire today.

It has been ten years since publisher Take-Two Interactive promised to give him a new mission. Mr. Nukem has spent much of this time fishing and yelling at kids to get off of his lawn.

Nukem explained to the press this morning, "Honestly, when was the last time Dr. Proton really caused any trouble? I mean, the government has been secretly tapping the phones on his 'secret' moon base for years and all they hear are raunchy adult party line calls and his regular Saturday call to his granddaughters living in Chicago."

It was 16 years ago when Nukem was first called upon by the CIA to combat Dr. Proton's army of Techbots. An agent who wished to remain anonymous admits, "He was always stealing my lunch out of the office fridge anyway. He's the kind of government employee that gives the rest of us a bad name."

Friday, June 09, 2006

Nintendo to Buy Apple, Release LuigiPod

With a spike in funding from venture capitalists riding the prospects of a successful launch of the Wii console, analysts predict that Nintendo is preparing for a non-hostile and kind of cute takeover of Apple Computer, Inc.

Accountants dressed as Mario, Luigi, and Princess Toadstool were spotted leaving Apple headquarters in Silicon Valley, accompanied by their attorney dressed in what looked to be a non-threatening Kirby costume.

Analysts suspect that the long-awaited next gen iPod has been put on hold so that it can be rebranded as the Nintendo LuigiPod, alongside the slightly smaller YoshiPod.

The new MP3 players will likely be brought under the Nintendo pricing strategy and sold for $49.99 and $19.99 respectively.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Capcom Announces Steel Battalion For Nintendo DS

Capcom has announced that they will be launching Steel Battalion for the Nintendo DS handheld in conjunction with the US launch of the Nintendo DS Lite on June 11th. The game will be bundled with the innovative dual-joystick dashboard controller and foot petals and retail for $129.

Marketing director, Lester Bitel, explains how the games hulking controller will not impede the portable nature of the DS handheld system. "The average SUV is at least five to six feet wide in the backseat where children would typically play with their Nintendo DS. Our controller is a mere 3' 8" wide. So really, it can go anywhere."

Bitel goes on to explain, "Now players can take the experience of piloting a 10 foot tall vertical tank (VT) anywhere they go with graphics that fully immerse the gamers by really pushing the processing power of the DS and fully utilizing the dual 3" LCD screens."

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Microsoft's Viva Pinata Star Hudson Horstachio Wanted On International Drug Smuggling Charges

A warrant was issues earlier this morning for one Hudson Horstachio, star of Microsoft's upcoming Xbox 360 game and children's television show, Viva Pinata.

Horstachio has allegedly been smuggling Tylenol, Nuprin, Pepto-Bismol, and a generic form of Beano. He was apparently unaware that all of these drugs are readily available in U.S. grocery stores nationwide at reasonable prices.

When questioning Horstachio's attorney as to the details of his client's elaborate smuggling operation, his answers were somewhat vague. Specifically, when questioned how exactly Horstachio was transporting the drugs, his attorney only cautioned, "He's a pinata. Don't ask where he stuffed those drugs."

The Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms in conjunction with the Border Patrol have released the case photo above from a recent undercover sting operation showing Horstachio just about to hop the fence into U.S. territory.

Picture attributed to Major Nelson.

Nintendo Announces Wii Pricing, Buy One Get One Free, Sony Announces PS3 Financing

Months after rivals Sony and Microsoft revealed their pricing strategy, Nintendo finally announced some pricing details. While still being vague about the actual price point, previously cited as "less than $250", they have confirmed a "buy one, get one free" promotion for the Wii launch.

Analysts predict that this new pricing strategy will reduce Nintendo's profit per unit sold from $120 to $60.

Meanwhile, Sony has offered a generous 5, 6, and 7 year financing plan with rates as low as 5.9% towards the purchase of a Playstation 3.

Analysts predict that Sony will make some money on credit card interest, reducing their total loss per unit from $350 to $328.

Consumer Patrick Flores, pictured above, told us that Nintendo is the obvious choice for consumers such as himself because "Sony is dumb." After repeatedly asking for clarification on the issue, Patrick got bored and started digging under the cushions of his couch where he found enough money to buy a Nintendo Wii and probably a few games.

Picture attributed to Billy Verdin.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Nintendo Announces "Hobo Assault" As Wii Launch Title

Attempting to shed the common image of being a "Kiddy Toy", Nintendo has announced "Hobo Assault" as a launch title for the Wii console releasing later this year.

Nintendo marketing executive, Ellen Cantrell, explains some of the key features of the game. "First, you can use the Wii's patented motion sensing remote to assault the hobo. You can actually swing the virtual baseball bat in a downward motion as you would in real life. Second is the advanced AI used in the game. The hobos will grunt, roll around, and yell just like a real hobo, reacting realistically to the player's actions. And finally, using the built in speaker on the Wii remote, you can actually hear bones breaking. The realism is such that you can easily distinguish a rib breaking versus, say, an arm or a leg."

Voice work and motion capture for the game was provided largely by David Kerns, pictured above, for the most authentic experience.

Cantrell goes on to add, "This game is part of Nintendo's strategy to bring gamers and non-gamers of all ages together. Who doesn't like assaulting hobos?"

Picture attributed to blazinhispazian.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Xbox Live's Major Nelson Called To Active Duty

Xbox Live's Major Nelson has been inexplicably called to active duty. In a bizarre case of mistaken identity, Major Nelson has received orders to report to Vandenberg Air Force Base immediately.

A correspondent on site transcribed the following conversation.

"Are you Major Nelson?"

"Yes, but I don't do autographs. Sorry."

"Please report to Vandenberg Air Force Base by 0800 hours tomorrow morning. We have a top secret mission to deliver an important document to Sergeant Marion."

"You don't understand. I play video games. I'm that guy from the Xbox thing. I'm not in the Air Force at all."


"But...but...I'm not Major Nelson. It's a TV Show. And that mission is right out of episode #96 of the first season."

"See you tomorrow."


Al Gore Publishes Draft Web 3.0 Specs

In what many critics claim to be convenient timing for kicking off a campaign for the 2008 presidential election, former Vice President Al Gore has released a draft specification for Web 3.0.

Web 2.0 has been hailed for its collaborative and interactive nature. Gore looks to trump this functionality with his Blogosphere Object-Oriented Blinking System (BOOBS).

"People surfing the web today have so much content to look at, it's hard for them to know what's really important. Now web designers can put BOOBS on their server and users will know exactly what to look at. The BLINKS!"

Gore displayed his BOOBS at a recent press conference in a demonstration that technical critics are calling "interesting". One technology blogger claimed, "Isn't that just...blinking text?"

Having been criticized in the past for allegedly claiming to have invented the internet, Gore rejoiced at the press conference (pictured above), shouting "Who's laughing now?!"

Ping Pong Violence Up 9%

On May 22, Rockstar Games, makers of the ultraviolent "Grand Theft Auto" series, unleashed their latest brand of video game mayhem. Table tennis.

Chicago-based research firm, Cliton Enterprises, has released a report citing a marked increase in ping pong related violence since the game's release. Their study shows that the number of reported ping pong violence incidents rose from 11 in April, to 12 in May. "That's an increase of over 9%", researcher Cary Miller explains.

Lead scientist Damon Lee (pictured above performing research) asserts that the increase in ping pong violence is clearly attributed to the release of yet another disgusting display of video game violence that is "Table Tennis". Lee asks, "What other possible explanation could there be?" He goes on to explain the obvious inuendo of violently smashing a ball across a table and notes, "Haley is obviously a prostitute. I mean, they don't say that or anything, but...come on. You can totally tell."

We questioned one of Rockstar Games' lead developers, Dan Schober, about the implications of the study. To which he replied, "WTF?"

Picture attributed to wyzik.

Das Monitor

Metadot Corporation, inventors of the now famous Das Keyboard, have released a companion product they call "Das Monitor".

The original Das Keyboard is based on the principle that if a user can not see the keys he's typing, the brain is forced to work harder and remember the keyboard layout, resulting in productivity increases of up to 100%.

The new Das Monitor is based on the same principle. Users are unable to see what is displayed on the monitor, and so the brain works harder to figure out where things should be on the screen. Garry Pryor, an engineer working on Das Monitor told us, "Productivity reports have not yet come in from our users, but we can only assume that they're too busy being productive to respond to our surveys."

The monitor uses a complex series of micro pulleys and levers to convert incoming signals to the color black. Current models are only capable of 1024x768 resolution, but a 1600x1200 model will be available at the end of the year.